Iran and U.S. Relations 101: For The Historically And Geographically Challenged

You hear newscasters talking about Iran a lot.

Mostly about that sawed-off little bat-shit crazy president of theirs, Achmed Iwantadinnerjacket or whatever the fuck his name is.





You get that Iran and the U.S. don't like each other and you understand that Iran getting nukes would probably be bad news.

But do you really understand where they fit into the geo-political scheme of things? Do you know why our relationship with Iran is a bit, um, strained?

If you're an American, prolly not. But that's OK. I'm here to help.

A BRIEF HISTORY OF THE U.S./IRAN RELATIONSHIP

The United States first established diplomatic relations with Iran during the Anglo-Persian War in 1856. For the turbulent, convoluted and Machievellian history of the region up until that time, you should google "The Great Game".

In 1909 Howard Baskerville, an American Presbyterian missionary in Tabriz became Iran's General Lafayette during the Constitutional Revolution. He died in battle fighting the Royalists in Mohammad Ali Shah's elite Cossak Brigade. This American is still a revered figure in Iran.


So things started off really good! Until after WWII and the start of the Cold War.

In all honesty, Iran started this shit.

We had been mostly good to them for 100 years, gang-raping their oil fields and giving them the occasional reach-around. That's how business was conducted in those days and everyone pretended to be happy about it.

But then in 1953, their Prime Minister Mossadegh and his National Front party got all "uppity" and decided to nationalize the country's oil industry.


In this context, "nationalize" means to "steal back". Foreign oil companies from the United States, Britain, and every other country who needed oil were going at Iran's oil fields like a bunch of frat boys at a $2 whore.

So Mossadegh said "All of that infrastructure you built to extract our oil? Yeah, that all belongs to us now. Fuck you. Buh bye".

As you can imagine, that didn't sit very well with the U.S. oil companies and the U.S. government (I'm sorry, was that redundant?).

So in 1953, the U.S. and Great Britain get together in the American Embassy in Tehran (waypoint this location in your GPS for later) and go into cahoots with the C.I.A. to oust the democratically elected Mossadegh, aborting Iran's attempt at democracy, and replace him with Mohammad Reza Pahlavi, a.k.a The Shah of Iran.


Between 1953 and 1957, the C.I.A. works closely with The Shah's regime to create the SAVAK, the Iranian secret police who brutally supressed, tortured, and jailed without due process any political disidents.

He was our bitch.


We didn't have any problem with HIM buiding nukes.


The Shah of Iran was Iran's Saddam Hussein with the political and financial backing of the United States. This relationship lasted for 20 years.

Until the oil embargo of 1973 when OAPEC (Organization of Arab Petroleum Exporting Countries consisting of the Arab members of OPEC, plus Egypt, Syria and Tunisia) proclaimed an oil embargo "in response to the U.S. decision to re-supply the Israeli military" during the Yom Kippur war; it lasted until March 1974.

Oil quadrupled from $3.00 a barrel to $12.00 a barrel. The price of a gallon of gas in the U.S. went from .38 cents a gallon to .55 cents a gallon! Panic ensued! Lines formed! Tempers flared!


The Nixon and Ford administration advisors Henry Kissinger, Brent Scowcroft and Donald Rumsfeld implored their homeboy the Shah to break ranks with OPEC and lower the cost of oil.

The Shah said, "Um, no. Fuck you. High oil prices are good for Iran and good for me. So long, and thanks for the coup!"

Fucker went ROGUE like a proto Sarah Palin! I do what I want!

The U.S. withdrew support for the Shah which paved the way for the 1979 Islamic Revolution which overthrew the Shah and replaced him with the fundamentalist Islamic Republic led by the formerly exiled Ayatollah Ruhollah Khomeini.

The Iranian revolutionaries go apeshit, storm the American Embassy in Tehran (remember that location from 1953?) take 53 Americans hostage and hold them for 444 days! Queue Ted Koppel.

The hosages are held captive for the rest of the Carter administration.

The very day Reagan was inaugurated, the hostages were being released and boarding airplanes headed for home.

It was largely believed at the time that this Iranian change of heart was because they viewed Reagan as a really tall, bat-shit crazy, right-wing nut-job who might let loose the nuclear dogs of war because he was a stupid B-movie actor who lacked the intellect to distinguish reality from a Hollywood movie script.

Between Reagan and Iwantadinnerjacket, the relationship simmered at a low boil.

Then al Queda dropped the Twin Towers on 9/11 and the Bush administration tried to lump everyone they could into the Axis of Evil, we invaded Afghanistan, then Iraq. A massive influx of U.S. military forces invaded the Middle East. We've been there for 8 years now. Longer than any other war in American history. Ever!

So, back to the topic of Iran and U.S. relationships. Why on earth would Iran be so beligerant all the time and want to pursue nuclear weapons?

Sometimes, a picture truly does speak a thousand words.


We have Iran SURROUNDED with Marines, Air Force, Navy, National Guard, Mercenary Contractors, European allies, heavily armed unmanned aerial drones, robots, cruise missles and nukes.

So is it any wonder that Iran might feel threatened by us, "get their back up" and flip us off?

When you invade and surrround an enemy with hundreds of thousands human and robotic soldiers, and you have decades of subterfuge and nefarious shenanigans between you, don't be so surprised when that enemy becomes alarmed and responds in a hostile manner.

If you read this far, you get an A+ whether you agree with me or not. I'm one of "those" instructors.

This Is How Gay I Am

This was my bachelor kitchen before my weekend project.


This is my bachelor kitchen AFTER my weekend project.



I think it adds a warm ambience.

The High Road Is A Lonley Path

::: sigh :::

Here I just went and deleted a comment on my blog for the FIRST TIME EVER in an attempt to protect Alonzo Washington's privacy, and what has he been up to in the meantime?

This:

February 4, 2010 - Thursday

Blogger: Hip White Guy sounds upset/ Call me!

"KC & Hip White Guy,

I linked to one of my cowardly hater's blogs that had a negative comment about me. He was so upset about it that he did a bigger blog about me. I always try to highlight the negative things people say about me so that the public can see what it is like to be vocal in the community. It has good moments and bad moments. I wanted this dork to see my power. I linked to his blog that no one reads and it turned up on the TKC & the KC Crime Scene blogs. It took me to get this lame some attention. Without me he is nobody. I don't really care what anyone says about me unless they have some nuts to say it face to face. This cat has never helped anyone in his life on a major level like I have and do all of the time. He tries to downplay my greatness by saying I just take tips and that I have no police training. That's funny because the police who would not listen to the Precious Doe tipster had police training. They did not solve the case. The whole KCMO Police Homicide Unit had police training and they did not move on a good tip. I asked for the mother's DNA of Precious Doe from the tipster and I challenged the police in the media to test it. That's the only thing that solved the case. That's way bigger than just taking a tip nerd. You will never do anything that great in your life. Keep in mind it was not luck. The first week I opened this Myspace page I solved the murder of a White marine named Jeffrey Dunham. Yes I got a tip that the police had been trying to get for a whole year. However, that was not enough to solve the case alone. They kept asking me to contact the tipster and get more from the tipster. The police needed a witness to make the charges stick. The tipster would not say who was in the car with him. Yet, the tipster told me that a person in the car was a big sports figure at a college and he did not want to risk his future being associated to the case. The cop wanted more and needed more to close the case. I scanned my tipster's friends list on Myspace a figured out who the witness was. The cops got him to talk after I told them that this guy would sing because he had a big future at risk. The case was only solved because of me. The cops had nothing. I have done this on many other cases. I have done it too many times to write about boy. Ad Hoc has never done what I have done and this jerk (Hip White Guy) never will. Batman has never solved a murder case because he is a fictional character dummy. I wonder does this fool know that. I have a website for my comic book company. The Myspace thing is just and way to help people. It's is meant to be loose. That's why I have over a half a million readers. Plus it works. Hip White Guy it's no biggie. Just call me today and we can meet and talk about this. I know you are a weak punk. Let's meet up and we can talk about what your problem is with me. That way you won't have to write such a long @$s blog about me. Grow some balls and meet me somewhere. Here is my number (913) 321-6764. Call me. KC read this blog. I think it is funny. This guy is telling me to do what I all ready do. I have put a number of crooks in jail. Furthermore, I don't do vigils. That's Ad Hoc! I guess he thinks all Black people look alike. The post is full of lies. I really don't think this dude knows what I do. I have gotten so many people to come forward with tips. I convinced the tipster who dropped dime on Shauntey Henderson to come forward. I guess this guy is going to have to start promoting me on his blog. All that he is saying I should do I have done. Hip White Guy you are a joke! Hip White Guy check the photo above. That's me turning in a criminal suspect who surrendered to me via my Myspace page. Yeah, it did not take police training to do that pr*ck. I am walking him up the steps of the downtown KCMO Police Department. I have pictures of what I do. You most likely only have pictures of yourself jacking off. I am big you are nothing. My crimefighting has made local, national & international headlines. What you do is all in you head. Call me if you want to meet coward. I like blog beefs. It makes a lot of people read your site. Hip White get ready for a lot of new readers.

Alonzo Washington"

And this:

Blogger: Hip White Guy is a punk & coward!!!

"KC,

I asked this weak girly man to call me since he had so much to say on his blog about me and guess what? He did not call. I am guessing a yellow streak went up his booty when I told him we could meet in person. I just wanted to see what his problem was. Maybe just talk some things out in person. However, he is not too brave when he is not typing on his blog. People who talk crap from a distant are cowards. I guess this jerk is not too hip after all. This dude would never talk crap to me in person. He is a little b*tch!

Peace,

Alonzo Washington"

I think he demonstrates exactly what I meant when I apparently started this by calling him a "self-serving, self-promoting, useless fucktard".

I rest my case.

Alonzo, I didn't call you because I don't trust an attention whore like you with my phone number.

Every single work day, you can find me strolling through the financial district, mulling the mysteries of the cosmos. You want to meet me? Come and find me.

I'll buy you lunch.

That Was A First

I just deleted a comment from my blog.

I've never, ever, deleted or edited a comment before so I feel I need to explain why I did it.

The comment I removed was on my post about Alonzo Washington and was from an anonymous commentor (I don't get many of those) who mostly agreed with everything I said, so it wasn't about stifling discussion.

The problem that I had was that the comment contained what appeared to be Alonzo's home address.

Now, I'm sure his address is readily available elsewhere and he's such an attention whore I wouldn't be surprised to see a huge spotlight shooting into the night sky from his front yard.

But in the context of a blog post by me where I'm dogging the guy, I felt like it was inappropriate to have his address published in that manner.

I was just fucking with the guy 'cause I was bored. Just having some fun at the expense of a local douche nozzle that virtually everyone laughs at.

But I'm not out to fuck up his shit by handing out is street address to any wack job who happens to stumble in to my joint looking for trouble.

So that's what I did, that's why I did it, and that will be my policy going forward. Any comment containing SOMEONE ELSES personal information will get deleted.

That is all.

As you were.

Return to your homes.

Show's over.

Nothing to see here.

More Proof That Dick Cheney Is Full Of Shit

WASHINGTON (AP) — The Nigerian suspect in a failed Christmas Day airliner bombing turned against the cleric who claims to be his teacher and has helped the U.S. hunt for the radical preacher, a law enforcement official said Thursday.

Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab, the 23-year-old Nigerian who faces terrorism charges in the Christmas bombing, has been cooperating with the FBI for days, providing information about his contacts in Yemen and the al-Qaeda affiliate that operates there.

Abdulmutallab agreed to cooperate after FBI flew to Nigeria and returned to the U.S. with Abdulmutallab's family members. In a federal prison cell outside Detroit, Abdulmutallab's father and uncle persuaded him to cooperate with the FBI, according to a U.S. official briefed on the talks who also spoke on condition of anonymity to discuss the ongoing case.

So, he wasn't flown to GITMO and held without charges?

He wasn't subjected to torture?

He wasn't waterboarded?

No "enhanced interogation" techniques were used?

Just a criminal arrest, the FBI was allowed to do it's job, he was given his Miranda rights, he was allowed to get a lawyer, and he is spilling his guts like he's commiting seppuku. He's singing like Taylor Fucking Swift!

So the American Criminal Justice system really does work better than some cobbled together simulation of a banana republic military dictatorship!

Who saw THAT coming?!?

Close GITMO.

Bring them all to the U.S.

File criminal charges and try them in court or let them go.

Oh No He Di'n't!

It appears that Alonzo Washington took issue with me referring to him as a "self-serving, self-promoting, useless fucktard" in my last post.

Jeez Louise! So sensitive! I thought Crime Fighters were tougher than that!

Superman wouldn't get all pissy if somebody called HIM names.

Now Batman, on the other hand, will break his cock off in your busted up ass if you go talkin' shit about him! Motherfucker's got some anger issues!

But I know Batman. Batman's a friend of mine. And you, Alonzo, are no Batman.

Anyway, Alonzo decided to Take Me To Task on his (ahem) "blog" on MySpace (tee hee).

He starts by STEALING MY FUCKING CONTENT!

You see, in the blogosphere, there is a Gentleman's Agreement. One does not copy someone else's intellectual property and paste it on their own site. Well, except for pictures, videos, music, porn...

But I digress.

The Rules of The Information Super Highway suggest that the correct thing to do is to provide a hyperlink back to the source of the content you are referencing. Like this. If you do that, you may engage in a little Fair Use sampling of the content.

But this motherfucker copies my ENTIRE POST, pictures and all, and just pasted it on to his piece of shit MySpace page!

I THOUGHT STEALING WAS A CRIME!

Now, why would I refer to him as a "self-serving, self-promoting, useless fucktard" in the first place and risk incurring His Wrath?

Let's look at what he had to say and see if we can figure this one out.

"Here is a blog about violence from one of my many haters that I have never met. You know the guys who talk crap from their blogs for no reason other than to try to cash in on my spotlight."

Guffaw! Your "spotlight"! Don't you mean candlelight? Because that solves everything, right? Candlelight vigils.

"This cat is talking about how there is no such thing as random violence and he may be right. Because if he keeps using my name on his blog and I SEE THIS COWARD I MAY KICK HIS @$s."

Ahahahahahaha! I'm a fearless man, Alonzo! I'm not scared of you or anyone else. I have powers far beyond those of mortal men!

To his credit, Alonzo quickly backpedaled from the violence angle.

"Nah! This country f*ck is not worth it. Violence is never the answer. Let this be a lesson to all the kids who watch me. I never try to fight cowards with big mouths from a distant. I have thousands of them. If these people really wanted some drama they would say what they had to say to me face to face. Cats like this don't have the balls to do anything like that."

:: sigh ::

Dude, I will be more than happy to tell you you are a "self-serving, self-promoting, useless fucktard" to your face. Kind of an awkward scenario for a first meeting, but whatevies.

What are you going to do? Hit me? Stab me? Shoot me? Wouldn't assaulting me kind of blow the whole "Crime Fighter" fantasy thing you have going on?

The worst thing you could do to me and stay out of jail would be to throw me a "stern look" and a give me a "serious talking to". Bring it BITCH!

Oh, and before I forget, "country fuck"?!? Dude, I only lived in Ray County for like 7 years out of 54! At best, I'm a "recovering country fuck". Appreciate it if you climbed down outta my ass about the "country" shit.

I'll have you know that at my core, I'm a debonair, sophisticated, urbane metro-sexual.

But once again, I digress.

Let's wrap this shit up. I have laundry to do and a pizza to make.

"However, if they do it is best to avoid a fight. However, if they touch you make them regret it. That's what I do and that's why no one touches me. Read what this jerk had to say about violence. The blog is not bad until he mentions my name. It seems like all the White bloggers attack me for no reason. I collect tips on murder victims of all races. I wonder why these people love putting me in their blogs. They must be jealous of the fact that so many people know me and I can really make a difference in this hell hole. Just face it haters. Everyone can't be like the one and only KC Crimefighter. So keep hating. Your hate only make me work harder and that makes haters more jealous."

Dude, starting two sentences in a row with "However" is bad form. Dude, you need an editor. But I could use an editor too. No shame. I use the word "just" too much. The first step is just admitting you have a problem. Oops.

"I collect tips on murder victims of all races."

And here we get to the crux of the matter.

You like to call your self a "Crime Fighter", like you are really Omega Man or something.



But all you fucking do is collect tips!

You're not a detective, are you? You don't have any investigative or law enforcement training, do you? Do you apply deductive reasoning to possible scenarios, motives and suspects who might be involved in a particular crime to arrive at the most likely conclusion?

Do you take fingerprints? Do you have a DNA lab? Do you perform autopsies? Do you collect evidence? Do you interrogate people?

No. You collect fucking tips.

There is an 800 number that "collects tips".

The Ad Hoc Group Against Crime "collects tips".

So, Alonzo, what is it, exactly, that you bring to the "crime fighting" table that no one else brings?

What possible basis can you have for being so full of yourself that you can make bold, self-serving, self-promoting, useless statements like this:

"They must be jealous of the fact that so many people know me and I can really make a difference in this hell hole. Just face it haters. Everyone can't be like the one and only KC Crimefighter."

Seriously, Alonzo?

If you REALLY want to make a difference, if you REALLY want to be a Crimefighter, you should be Johnny On The Spot at every crime scene encouraging the crime victims to snitch like a motherfucker!

Fuck a bunch of candlelight vigils and BIG CASH MONEY for anonymous "tips".

If you are serious about fighting crime, convince the victims to cooperate with the police. Give descriptions. Give up names and addresses. Identify perps in line-ups. Testify in court and put some criminal motherfuckers in JAIL!

If you start doing that, I will be your biggest champion! I will mention you and link to you as often as I can.

But if all you are going to do is passively collect tips and try to convince people you are all that and a bag of chips? Fuck you.

You want to fight crime? Pay somebody to create a REAL BLOG for you, because that MySpace abomination of yours is a fucking crime against The Internet.

It takes longer to load your website than it does to solve a murder!

At the next annual meeting of "The Man" at a secure, undisclosed location somewhere deep under the mountains of Switzerland, I may have to petition Al Gore and Vint Cerf to officially SANCTION you!

From a purely technological standpoint, content and intent aside, your "blog" is the most horrendous, RAM hogging, useless piece of shit I have ever linked to.

Jesus Fucking Christ man, there are people with mad internet skillz who can fix that shit.

Pay 'em. Do it.

Peace out, Girl Scout!

Random Violence My Ass!

Let me be crystal fucking clear about this.

There is no such thing as "random violence".

Nobody pulls a gun and shoots somebody for no reason.

There is always a reason and the victim always knows who shot them and why.

Maybe they pissed somebody off.

Maybe they ripped somebody off.

Maybe they fucked some body's wife or girlfriend.

Maybe they were involved in some criminal activity.

Maybe they were being stupid.

Maybe they were in the wrong place at the wrong time.

But there is ALWAYS a fucking reason and it is NEVER random!

Here are XO's Common Sense Rules to NOT getting a "random" cap popped in yo ass.

1. Don't be parked in a car east of Troost "minding your own business" in the middle of the fucking night.

2. Don't go to a club at 39th and Jackson.

3. Don't be drunk, belligerent and eating burritos from a taco truck at 27th & Southwest Boulevard at 3:30 in the fucking morning.

4. Don't make a drug deal where you take $500 and give the buyer rock salt.

5. Don't associate with people who are actively involved in criminal activities.

6. Don't cop an attitude with someone with a string of teardrop tattoos that start at the eye and disappear beneath the wife-beater shirt.

7. If you are a white, 17 year old suburban kid, don't think that wearing hip-hop clothes and playing loud rap music from your mom's BMW gives you a free pass to drive through the ghetto acting all cool. You WILL get killed. Deservedly so. Good riddance.



8. Don't be a roving band of white libertarian activists looking to stir up some shit.

9. Resist the tempting allure of those sultry, seductive, toothless, Independence Avenue crack whores.


10. Don't be a dick.

Don't be a reckless fucking idiot doing things you shouldn't do, being places you shouldn't be and hanging out with dangerously stupid people and you might avoid being a victim of "random violence".

If everyone would follow these simple rules, self-serving, self-promoting, useless fucktards like Alonzo Washington would have nothing to talk about.