The Hip Suburban White Guy's 3 Ugly-Ass Chinese Pig Legs of a Successful Relationship

CAVEAT EMPTOR: I'm no fucking Dr. Phil. Or Oprah. Neither is Dr. Phil. Or Oprah. Nobody knows jack shit about relationships. If there was any magic recipe for a successful relationship, it would have been concocted by someone, somewhere during the past 50,000 years and we would all be using it because it works for everybody all the time. The Relationship Self Help section at Barnes & Noble would have shelves upon shelves filled with one fucking book. So even if some of this makes sense and sounds good, it's wrong. I'm 53 years old and single. BY DEFINITION every relationship I've ever had has failed. What is the one common denominator in all of those failed relationships? ME! So that's your goddamned disclaimer.

"82 years of ‘I do’ — world’s longest marriage?
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The subject of relationships has been weighing heavy on my mind lately.

It occurred to me that there are really 3 basic foundations to a successful relationship.

I was going to use the analogy of the "three legged stool" for this post. Until I went out searching for a nice image of a three legged stool and saw how many times that analogy had been metaphorically ass raped and left in a rhetorical ditch.





Fuck that.

I decided to use the analogy of the "ugly ass, three legged pig in China".



The 3 Ugly-Ass Chinese Pig Legs of a Successful Relationship

TRUST

You have to be able to trust the fidelity of your partner. You have to be able to trust that they aren't out there fucking around with someone else. Jealousy is a cancer.

You have to have emotional trust in your partner. You have to know they will never betray you or act against your best interests.

You have to have physical trust in your partner. You have to know they would never, ever, under any circumstances, harm you.

You have to have financial trust in your partner. You have to know that they will never steal from you or defraud you.

There are many other forms of trust in a relationship. If you don't have trust, you don't have a relationship.

INTIMACY

Notice I said Intimacy...not Sex (although hot, sweaty, uninhibited "you can NEVER tell anyone about this!" monkey sex is absolute best form of intimacy by several orders of magnitude).

I don't make that distinction because I'm old. So fuck you.

There are many nuances to intimacy.

A couple with a passion for gardening who derive joy from working in the yard together and making their home beautiful and welcoming to visitors are experiencing a form of intimacy.

A couple that enjoys going out and listening to live music together and hanging with friends are experiencing a form of intimacy.

A couple who support the same sports team and enthusiastically attend every game together are experiencing a form of intimacy.

A couple who fuck each other's brains out 5 ways from Sunday several times a day and go to swinger clubs and host orgy's are experiencing a form of intimacy.

[i like the last one best, but that's just me! :)]


COMMUNICATION

I think this may be the most important aspect of a relationship. You can weather bumps and rough spots in TRUST and INTIMACY as long as you have COMMUNICATION.

But if you aren't talking to each other, or emailing each other, or texting each other, or phoning each other...if there isn't any communication, if you have no channel for exchanging information, if you are emotionally blind and have to guess what is going on in the relationship...then you can't fix or deal with any problems in the TRUST or INTIMACY areas.

I think that's all I have to say without getting a bit too personal.