The Great Bryant's Blog Summit of 2011

This past Saturday a Summit Meeting was conducted in secret.

At this meeting, the future of the entire blogosphere was decided.

Representing all of you and deciding things on your behalf, was, from left to right, Joe's Big Blog, Kansas City with the Russian Accent, and yours truly, the Hip Suburban White Guy.

Joe was in town from California visiting his brother-in-law who is about to deploy to Afghanistan. It was Joe's first trip to KC so we thought it was appropriate to treat him to the most authentic Kansas City experience possible. Big plates of Arthur Bryant's BBQ washed down with a pitcher of Boulevard Pale Ale.

Joe was generous enough to pick up the tab, at which point Meesha dropped to his knee's professed his undying love and offered to play a little ditty on Joe's meat whistle right on the spot. Meesha loves good food, but the road to his heart goes right through his wallet.

Now, if you'll excuse me, there's half of a ham and beef combo in the fridge calling my name.

Disasters in Dating Part 6

This is another "Disasters in Dating" chapter in which no actual dating occured.

So I get this email on the Online Dating site:

"See me! like??"

Seriously. That was the entire fucking email.

Out of morbid curiosity I have to click through to the profile.

It was from "lipilya". She's 28. I'm 55. Yeah...OK. I bet we have a lot in common.

She's 5'7".

Her body type is "athletic". Ya know, like me.

The longest relationship lipilya has been in was under 1 year.

Her Interests, are "aerobic". Again, ya know, like me.

This is her profile picture.



This is her profile.

"I beautiful the young girl. I am always assured of myself and very much I like to laugh and have fun.

I very much love when people are pleased. At me it is a lot of friends but beside there is no favorite person.

I already have very long lived without the love but I still hope that sometime I shall find the love and I shall be happy.

Among the friends I as cannot find the love."

I hate to be all cynical and shit, but I have some nagging doubts that this is a real 28 year old woman that is all hot for me.

Plus, I suspect she may be Russian. And we all know what "Debbie Downer's" and "Negative Nancy's" those Russians can be.

I think I'll take a pass.

Kris Kobach Feeds On Your Stupidity And Paranoia

The fastest track to getting elected in Kansas is to campaign against a single issue.

People in Kansas don't like to be confused or befuddled by complexity. It makes their "brains" itch.

Don't campaign FOR something because that implies some sort of FORward progress. Kansans hate that shit.

Keep it the same. Keep it simple.

Kansas revolves (actually, being a squarish state, it doesn't so much revolve as it clumsily tumbles end-over-end) around 3 simple issues.

Abortion.

Evolution.

ILLEGAL ALIENS!

Kris Kobach is the most recent pandering politician to work a Jedi Mind Trick on the Kansas electorate by campaigning for Secretary of State on the single issue of ILLEGAL ALIENS.

But to his credit, he added a layer of "intellectual" complexity and upped the ante by adding the fear of VOTER FRAUD. That's right...hordes of ILLEGAL ALIENS storming the polling places on election day!

His entire campaign revolved around preventing illegal aliens from casting illegal votes.

SERIOUSLY? Are fucking kidding me right meow?

These "illegal aliens" that everyone is so fucking scared of are the meekest, most low profile members of the population you can imagine! They operate under 3 Basic Rules.

1. Don't get caught.
2. Don't get caught.
3. Don't get caught.

They are not going to do anything that could result in them possibly getting caught! They can only stay in the country and continue to make money and live a good life if they don't get caught!

They won't even send in their Census forms or open their doors to Census workers for fear of being caught! They would no more walk in to a polling place on election day and try to cast an illegal vote than they would sign up to take a tour of the F.B.I. Museum or try to run for public office!

I defy anyone to find a single politician or issue that would be so compelling and important to an "illegal alien" that they would risk being caught, captured and deported to risk going to a public polling place and casting an illegal vote.

What? Kansas City's Earnings Tax? A Bond issue to support the Kaufmann Complex? Light Rail?

Are you fucking kidding me?

Kobach's proposed solution to this non-existent crisis is to require voters to produce proof of citizenship in the form of a driver's license, state ID card, passport or some other state sanctioned identification.

BULLSHIT!

This isn't meant to keep illegal aliens away, it's meant to keep minorities and people on the lower end of the socio-economic spectrum (most of which are more likely to vote for Democrats) away from the polls to tilt the electoral balance in favor of white conservatives!

Don't get me wrong. I'm not that different from Kris Kobach. There are people I want to keep away from the polls too. I'm just more honest about it. I want to keep stupid, uninformed, imbeciles away from the polls.

I don't give a flying fuck at a rolling donut if someone has a driver's license or some other form of ID. Fuck that.

Can you pass a Citizenship Test? The same test they give LEGAL immigrants before bestowing U.S. Citizenship?

I think this should be a prerequisite to becoming a registered voter. You and generations of your family being born here don't mean shit you ignorant, bigotted fuck.

And on top of that, on election day, you have to answer 5 random questions from the Citizenship Test and exhibit knowledge and understanding about 5 recent national news stories, just to prove you are engaged and paying attention.

If you can't answer the questions or prove you know what's going on in the world, YOU DON'T GET TO VOTE! Go back home and watch "Dancing With The Stars"! Dipshit!

Taco Bell's "Beef"

A new lawsuit claims that only 35% of the "beef" in Taco Bell's "meat" products is actually composed of real beef. Ya know, from cows.

Apparently, the other 65% is made up of "...substances such as isolated oat product, soy lecithin, autolyzed yeast extract and modified corn starch."

Yeah, right.

I think we all know what the other 65% is!

Athleticism Is A Cancer On Civilization

The local Sports Media was feverishly masturbating this weekend over one of their inspirational, feel-good stories. KU basketball star overcomes personal tragedy to support his team mates!

On Saturday morning KU basketball player Thomas Robinson received a phone call from his 9 year old sister informing him that his mother had died of a heart attack the previous night.

His immediate response? LET'S PLAY BASKETBALL!

Because obviously, playing a fucking basketball game is far more important than being a big brother to your 9 year old sister who just lost her mother.

The local sports media is playing this up like a Supreme Noble Athlete with a huge heart who didn't allow a personal tragedy to let his team mates down.

Bull. Fucking. Shit.

This is a stupid jock with some seriously fucked up priorities.

IT'S JUST A FUCKING GAME! Go hug your sister. Go be with your family. Fuck the game! Tell the KU Athletic Department to go pound sand up their ass. They can afford a lot of sand.

Unless, of course, like most athletes, you put your own potential (yet INCREDIBLY unlikely) multi-million dollar career above and beyond every other concern in life.

Viewed through that sad, selfish prism, I suppose you can justify playing a stupid fucking game while your mother is being embalmed and your 9 year old sister is growing up way too fast without you.

To paraphrase Karl Marx, it is sports, as much as religion, that is the opiate of the masses.

It is a totally mindless and responsive addiction that requires no intellectual rigour. It adds nothing to society other than a distraction from our real problems.

If the money spent on sports was directed at medical research, our average lifespan would be 200 years old instead of 72.

XO's BLT

You start with a couple of slices of Texas Toast and some Land O' Lakes Honey Butter.



Butter one side of the Texas Toast with the Honey Butter and put them under the broiler until golden brown.



Flip the one-sided toast over and lightly spread some real mayonnaise on the un-toasted side.



Sprinkle some freshly shredded Parmesan cheese on the mayonnaise side of the bread



Add some lettuce



Some sliced Roma tomatoes



Some bacon



And VOILA! A delicious BLT!



Enjoy!

Fuck the Second Amendment

There is no way in Hell this motherfucker should have ever been allowed to own a gun and buy ammo at a Walmart.



In fact, NO ONE should be allowed to own a gun and buy ammo unless they can prove they have a responsible need for a a gun and have the intelligence, training and emotional maturity to be trusted with a gun.

Hunters? Fuck you. You can buy meat at grocery stores. I don't care how many miles of shitty gravel roads separate us from your rural "paradise". You can still buy beef, chicken, pork, turkey and even goose and duck at the nearest grocery store. You don't need your own personal arsenal to feed your family.

If you want to buy a gun you should have to answer the following questions:

1: Why do you need one? (provide supporting documentation/evidence)
2: Why should the people around you trust you with one? Seriously. Why should you be trusted with the power to kill somebody?

Finally, there should be a "you look weird" test.

Telling someone "Nah, you look odd and I'm getting a creepy vibe from you. I'm not selling you a weapon that you could use to kill people" should be the prevailing policy at every retail outlet.

I don't know anyone, including myself, that I would trust to own a gun.

Some Photos From My Archives

Ancient Aliens My Big Black Ass!

For some inexplicable reason, I watched an episode of Ancient Aliens tonight.



Which, by the way, is exactly like watching any given program on Fox News. A steaming pile of bullshit lightly sprinkled with a few grains of fact.

But I digress.

OK, so all of these huge, ancient, megalithic monuments are astronomical observatories built by our ancestors with the help of aliens.

Let me get this straight.


The nearest star (other than the sun) is Proxima Centauri and it is 4.5 light years away.


So these ancient aliens who had the technology 6,000 years ago to travel light years to get here and make contact with our stone age ancestors said "Hey dudes! We're more advanced than your ancestors will be for another 7,000 years! We're gonna help you out and leave a little "easter egg" hinting at our existence. We're going to teach you how to build telescopes out of BIG ASS ROCKS that only work twice a year!!"


Now, they could have said "We're going to leave you this 1 trillion megapixel telescope powered by an eternal energy source built out of starship hull-metal alloy and protected by an impervious force field that will preserve and protect it for billions of years and it will remain pointed at our home star system forever. All you have to do is look at it. Oh, and when this light over here comes on...it's time to plant your crops. When this other light over here comes on, you can harvest your crops. You're welcome."


But no. Ancient aliens with technology that is indistinguishable from magic travelled light years to visit barbarians to teach them how to stack rocks more better.


Right. That makes perfect sense. If you watch Fox News.