Captain America - Oh Fuck Yeah

I Missed My Blogiversary!

I started this piece of shit blog on January 23, 2006.

I've been wasting your time for over 5 years now. Your continued indulgence and patience is greatly appreciated.

My first post was a vaguely-veiled, lame-assed rant about Marrrrrria Antonnnnnnia and other reporters who feel compelled to properly pronounce Spanish words only and not all of the other foreign words..

But strangely enough (given today's headlines), I also name-dropped Hosni Mubarak.

Weird.

XO's Brekkie Sammich

This is a pretty simple yet tasty treat.


Spread the honey butter on one side of the cinnamon raisin bread and put it under the broiler so only one side gets toasted.


Fry up an egg in some real butter.


Go ahead and break the yolk so you don't wind up with a bulky liquid center.


Flip it over.


Slap some cheese on it.


QUICK!!! GET THE FUCKING BREAD OUT OF THE OVEN BEFORE IT BURNS, DIPSHIT!!! Jesus Fucking Christ that was close. You almost ruined breakfast. Putz!


Assemble the Brekkie Sammich and enjoy with some ice cold milk.

Bone Apa Teet!

The Great Bryant's Blog Summit of 2011

This past Saturday a Summit Meeting was conducted in secret.

At this meeting, the future of the entire blogosphere was decided.

Representing all of you and deciding things on your behalf, was, from left to right, Joe's Big Blog, Kansas City with the Russian Accent, and yours truly, the Hip Suburban White Guy.

Joe was in town from California visiting his brother-in-law who is about to deploy to Afghanistan. It was Joe's first trip to KC so we thought it was appropriate to treat him to the most authentic Kansas City experience possible. Big plates of Arthur Bryant's BBQ washed down with a pitcher of Boulevard Pale Ale.

Joe was generous enough to pick up the tab, at which point Meesha dropped to his knee's professed his undying love and offered to play a little ditty on Joe's meat whistle right on the spot. Meesha loves good food, but the road to his heart goes right through his wallet.

Now, if you'll excuse me, there's half of a ham and beef combo in the fridge calling my name.

Disasters in Dating Part 6

This is another "Disasters in Dating" chapter in which no actual dating occured.

So I get this email on the Online Dating site:

"See me! like??"

Seriously. That was the entire fucking email.

Out of morbid curiosity I have to click through to the profile.

It was from "lipilya". She's 28. I'm 55. Yeah...OK. I bet we have a lot in common.

She's 5'7".

Her body type is "athletic". Ya know, like me.

The longest relationship lipilya has been in was under 1 year.

Her Interests, are "aerobic". Again, ya know, like me.

This is her profile picture.



This is her profile.

"I beautiful the young girl. I am always assured of myself and very much I like to laugh and have fun.

I very much love when people are pleased. At me it is a lot of friends but beside there is no favorite person.

I already have very long lived without the love but I still hope that sometime I shall find the love and I shall be happy.

Among the friends I as cannot find the love."

I hate to be all cynical and shit, but I have some nagging doubts that this is a real 28 year old woman that is all hot for me.

Plus, I suspect she may be Russian. And we all know what "Debbie Downer's" and "Negative Nancy's" those Russians can be.

I think I'll take a pass.

Kris Kobach Feeds On Your Stupidity And Paranoia

The fastest track to getting elected in Kansas is to campaign against a single issue.

People in Kansas don't like to be confused or befuddled by complexity. It makes their "brains" itch.

Don't campaign FOR something because that implies some sort of FORward progress. Kansans hate that shit.

Keep it the same. Keep it simple.

Kansas revolves (actually, being a squarish state, it doesn't so much revolve as it clumsily tumbles end-over-end) around 3 simple issues.

Abortion.

Evolution.

ILLEGAL ALIENS!

Kris Kobach is the most recent pandering politician to work a Jedi Mind Trick on the Kansas electorate by campaigning for Secretary of State on the single issue of ILLEGAL ALIENS.

But to his credit, he added a layer of "intellectual" complexity and upped the ante by adding the fear of VOTER FRAUD. That's right...hordes of ILLEGAL ALIENS storming the polling places on election day!

His entire campaign revolved around preventing illegal aliens from casting illegal votes.

SERIOUSLY? Are fucking kidding me right meow?

These "illegal aliens" that everyone is so fucking scared of are the meekest, most low profile members of the population you can imagine! They operate under 3 Basic Rules.

1. Don't get caught.
2. Don't get caught.
3. Don't get caught.

They are not going to do anything that could result in them possibly getting caught! They can only stay in the country and continue to make money and live a good life if they don't get caught!

They won't even send in their Census forms or open their doors to Census workers for fear of being caught! They would no more walk in to a polling place on election day and try to cast an illegal vote than they would sign up to take a tour of the F.B.I. Museum or try to run for public office!

I defy anyone to find a single politician or issue that would be so compelling and important to an "illegal alien" that they would risk being caught, captured and deported to risk going to a public polling place and casting an illegal vote.

What? Kansas City's Earnings Tax? A Bond issue to support the Kaufmann Complex? Light Rail?

Are you fucking kidding me?

Kobach's proposed solution to this non-existent crisis is to require voters to produce proof of citizenship in the form of a driver's license, state ID card, passport or some other state sanctioned identification.

BULLSHIT!

This isn't meant to keep illegal aliens away, it's meant to keep minorities and people on the lower end of the socio-economic spectrum (most of which are more likely to vote for Democrats) away from the polls to tilt the electoral balance in favor of white conservatives!

Don't get me wrong. I'm not that different from Kris Kobach. There are people I want to keep away from the polls too. I'm just more honest about it. I want to keep stupid, uninformed, imbeciles away from the polls.

I don't give a flying fuck at a rolling donut if someone has a driver's license or some other form of ID. Fuck that.

Can you pass a Citizenship Test? The same test they give LEGAL immigrants before bestowing U.S. Citizenship?

I think this should be a prerequisite to becoming a registered voter. You and generations of your family being born here don't mean shit you ignorant, bigotted fuck.

And on top of that, on election day, you have to answer 5 random questions from the Citizenship Test and exhibit knowledge and understanding about 5 recent national news stories, just to prove you are engaged and paying attention.

If you can't answer the questions or prove you know what's going on in the world, YOU DON'T GET TO VOTE! Go back home and watch "Dancing With The Stars"! Dipshit!

Taco Bell's "Beef"

A new lawsuit claims that only 35% of the "beef" in Taco Bell's "meat" products is actually composed of real beef. Ya know, from cows.

Apparently, the other 65% is made up of "...substances such as isolated oat product, soy lecithin, autolyzed yeast extract and modified corn starch."

Yeah, right.

I think we all know what the other 65% is!