Well that was fun!

So, it's my 2nd day of vacation and I'm sitting around the house in my JLA lounging pants and my Trent Green Chief's jersey wondering what the fuck I'm going to do today. It couldn't be anything that costs any money. I checked the events calendars on Pitch and Ink but couldn't find anything cheap and not-lame enough to meet my needs.

I'm thinking "Fuck! This is a Saturday and I can't find anything to do! What the fuck am I going to do all next week? There's always Internet porn surfing but c'mon, you can hurt yourself if you're not careful! (always remember to do some stretching exercises first and stay hydrated)."

I share my predicament with my twitter buddies. I'm pretty much resigned to driving out to Burr Oak Woods Nature Center and wandering the trails like Rhadagast the Brown.

Then I get a tweet from "dramaclub":

"@xo64068. I have a suggestion! Free beer and pig roast at the outlaw cigar shop up north. Also a fun free poker tourney. Great time!"

Free beer and pig? That sounds too good to be true so I google it.

My God! (o.k., i'm an atheist so I don't really mean it, i'm just going for emphasis and dramatic effect here so don't leave me any fucking comments busting my chops. it's a goddamn figure of speech, not a declaration of faith, so fuck you.) It's true!

From the Outlaw Cigar Company calendar:

"The Legend Avo Uvezian returns to The Outlaw for a third time. Playing live on a grand piano with a Jazz Quartet. Ain't no better place to hear Avo tickle the ivories than right here in The Outlaw Lounge. Free Food, Drinks and lots of entertainment. 10 Kegs of Beer, 300 lbs of smoked Pig, Italian Sausage Hot off the Grill, Hooter Wings, Cookies, Chips and tons more......

Hooter girls and the Outlaw Calendar Girl "Rachelle" will be here to make you Grin.



Texas Hold'em Tournament (5pm)

Buy 3 Cigars and Get 1 Cigar Free

Long Ash Contest

Tons of Raffle Prizes

The polyglot businessman and jazz musician went to Puerto Rico and in the early 80s opened a restaurant and piano bar.

In Puerto Rico Avo discovered his love for cigars – they were to become his great passion.



As a perfectionist par excellence he very soon had his own AVO brand rolled and gave this away to his guests, who increasingly demanded his cigars. The road from connoisseur to cigar composer was but a short one."

Holy Shit! And this is all FREE! I'm totes there!

I shit, shower, shave and head for God's Country (o.k., don't make me repeat myself..it's a fucking figure of speech with no divinity implied or intended. Jesus!).

What a great fucking time! The dapper dude was at the piano under a tent fronting a jazz trio, scantily clad biker babes were in abundance, there truly was FREE BEER and FREE FOOD! By the time I got there the pig was nothing but an empty husk of skin. They were still grilling sausages but they were out of buns, so I passed.

The absurdity of the bun situation didn't hit me until later. I'm willing to drive from Independence to damn near Parkville where I am offered free music, free beer, free eye candy, but I wind up declining the grilled sausage because I would have had to go to the grocery store 20 ft away and buy a $2.00 package of buns that I could have shared with hot biker chicks. Dipshit!

So it's a great crowd, great music, the National Guard is there with a BIG ASS fucking truck (it would blow your Ford F-350 or Chevy Z-71 off the road like a McDonald's wrapper), they had a BIG ASS fucking Howitzer or some kinda Army gun, and there was a fucking Chinook CH-47 in a vacant lot!






When you see one of these babies, you need to snap to give it a smart salute!

There are flashier aircraft in the armed forces, but the CH-47 has been in service since 1962, longer than most of you reading this have been alive and it is the backbone of logistical transport for both troops and equipment.

So it was an all around great time!

I allow myself a cup of Shiner Bock on tap and begin to mingle.

I'm standing at the corner of the tent next to the musicians, basking in the ambiance and when a fellow reveller who has had at least one more beer than me (I won't cast any judgements beyond that threshold) strikes up a conversation.

In the span of 5 minutes we discuss the election, DUIs, fucking cops, that chick over there.

Then this guy walks up and says "Are you XO?"

I said "Yes, I am."

And he says "I'm dramaclub."

The guy I had been talking to turns to dramaclub and says "You know this guy?" Turning to me "You're XO? Were you in the Navy? (XO=Executive Officer in Navy lingo)"

I had managed to unknowingly stumble into dramaclub's entourage.

We sort out all of the greetings and get to know ya's and enjoy some lively conversation while I nurse my single Shiner Bock.

It was a great afternoon! Topped off by watching the CH-47 lift off and give the crowd a fly-by! Awesome!

Turns out, this isn't some rare, annual event. Outlaw Cigar does this once a month! And there is always military hardware, Hooters chicks, and Outlaw calender girls on display.

WHY DON'T PEOPLE TELL ME THESE THINGS?

I'm going to make this a recurring event on my personal calendar.

In fact, I think it would make a perfect blog meat.

November, perhaps?

P.S. - Oh, and Dan, this is a Jolly Green Giant.

October Blog Meat!

Thursday, October 30 at
Davey's Uptown Rambler's Club
3402 Main Street
Kansas City, Missouri 64111
$10 Cover

Local blogger and burlesque star Eartha Delights (formerly teckc) announces her first burlesque production of her very own ever:

Counter Culture Militia Boob Squad presents: Operation Wicked

Starring Eartha Delights and Kiki Severe

With special guests:
Lucky DeLuxe
Annie Cherry
Honey Valentine
Kitty Von Minx
and Mia Vicious
With music from the Kansas City Hitmen

I expect all of my regular readers (yes, both of you) to show up and support local blogging, local midtown dives and local burlesque.

Beats the holy fuck out of a Power & Light District Piano Bar, I can promise you that.

Attendees are ENCOURAGED to come in the costume of their choice.



No matter how stupid you look.

Obama Drill Team

The same friend I mentioned in the previous post was concerned about a story that was forwarded to her in an email.

She prefaced her email to me with:

"I find it interesting that my Republican friends are always looking for something negative about Democrats, yet my Democratic friends never forward negative things about the Republicans. Now I don't believe for one minute it is because there is nothing negative about Republicans. I do think it is rather telling though, don't you?"

This was the email she was concerned about:

"Subject: Have you seen this? Yikes!!!!!!

I would think this video ought to make people a bit nervous.

Alpha omega is generally used to describe God or Jesus.

This is really eerie. With the uniforms and almost worship like devotion to their God Obama.

Creeps me out. Reminds me of the devotion the youth had to Hitler.



Here is what they are saying:

GROUP: Alpha, omega, alpha, omega, alpha, omega.

VOICE: Because of Obama, I'm inspired to be the next doctor.

VOICE: Because of Obama, I'm inspired to be the next lawyer.

VOICE: Because of Obama, I'm inspired to be the next automotive technician.

VOICE: Because of Obama, I'm inspired to be the next sheriff.

VOICE: Because of Obama, I'm inspired to be the next architect.

VOICE: Because Obama, I am inspired to be the next engineer.

VOICE: Because of Obama, I'm inspired to be the next fireman.

VOICE: Yes, we can.

VOICE: Yes, we can.

VOICE: Yes, we can.

VOICE: Yes, we can.

VOICE: Yes, we can.

VOICE: Yes, we can.

VOICE: Yes, we can.

VOICE: Yes, we can.

VOICE: Yes, we can.

VOICE: Obama's health care plan will simplify paperwork for providers.

VOICE: Obama's health care plan will provide subsidies for families who cannot afford Medicaid.

VOICE: Obama's health care plan will be able to provide participants the ability to move from job to job without changing their health care coverage.

VOICE: Obama's health care plan will extend coverage to young adults up to the age of 25 through their parents' plan.

VOICE: Drill team, retreat."

Now, Midtown Miscreant, had an excellent primer on this very subject. His basic, earth shattering, and incredibly insightful point was that black folk and white folk don't behave in the same way.

While I find the recitation of wonky health care policy esoterica to be a bit bizarre, this was my response to my friend and to the video:

"I fail to see anything negative in that video. Educated, organized, motivated, disciplined urban young males who want to be involved in the process and improve themselves.

I'm inspired to be the next doctor.

I'm inspired to be the next lawyer.

I'm inspired to be the next automotive technician.

I'm inspired to be the next sheriff.

I'm inspired to be the next architect.

I'm inspired to be the next engineer.

I'm inspired to be the next fireman.

I don't hear anything threatening in that liturgy.

So what if they were part of a High School Drill Team to better themselves?

The United States Marine Corps has Drill Teams.

The United States Air Force has Drill Teams.

The United States Navy has Drill Teams.

The United States Army has Drill Teams.

The United States Coast Guard has Drill Teams.

The Armed Forces Drill Teams all have one thing in common.

They are rooted in a tradition of killing people and breaking things. Because that's their job. It's why they all carry rifles.

These so called "Obama Youth" don't carry any weapons. They just want to grow up without getting gunned down or going to jail.

They just want to get educated and get a good job."

Since the Republican de-regulated economy has flushed all of our retirement dreams down the crapper like the noxious remains of 50 cent fish taco night at the local VFW, we will all probably wind up as 75 year old "entry level employees" working for one of these chest slapping go-getters.

I suggest that you get used to the idea that the typical, American demographic profile is shifting.

Us Hip Suburban (northern European) White Guys are sliding down the slippery slope to minority status in America.

And that's O.K. We had a good run. We got to fuck up a lot of stuff, play with some cool toys, get rich and make "other people" pay our bills.

It's time to give some other people a shot at the American Dream. I'm excited to see what they do with it.

Adapt or perish. It's the American Way.

Jack Cashill vs. Barack Obama = FAIL

A very dear friend of mine was subjected to a video purporting to link Barack Obama to some idiot no one has ever heard of named Khalid Al-Mansour.

I'm not going to link to the video. It is easy enough to google if you want.

She said "I always let you investigate this stuff. Let me know if it is real.

Thanks!"

After some due diligence, this is how I responded to her.

*****

This is crap.

Jack Cashill is a local right-wing, conspiritorial nutcase and he appears to be the one who spliced this fantasy together.

Look carefully at how it is edited and how poor the video quality is. Mouths are moving and audio is being played, but it is impossible to reconcile the two. It is bad video ventriloquism.

Just take a look at his website and some of the ridiculous books he has written and is selling. His website is easy to find. He proudly advertises it at the end of the video. cashill.com. That alone should tell you something.

We are in the final stretch of the general election and the bottom-of-the-barrel, loose cannon, political assasins will be pulling crap like this out of their asses right up intil election day, hoping to pick off whatever gullible voters they can target.

This is the ugliest election season EVER because there are a lot of closet racists out there who can't stomach the thought of a black man in the White House.

Personally, I can't stomach the thought of another 4 years of a man in his 70's parroting Dubya to pander to the Republican base while Sarah Palin sits a heartbeat away from being President.

We've had 8 years of abiding an idiot in the White House. I don't want to take the chance of McCain kicking the bucket while in office and leaving the presidency to someone dumber than Bush.

With the economy in the worst shape since the Great Depression (thanks to Republican deregulation of Wall Street investment bankers and our RIDICULOUS military spending in Iraq and Afghanistan), we cannot hand over our country to a goobery old geezer who wants to continue the disastrous path we are on and who's 2nd in Command has little more experience than a High School Student Body President and Prom Queen.

W.

God Loves Atheists

Now that I am over my self-imposed 1000 post writing block hurdle, I can post one-off shit I lifted from better bloggers than me. Like this.

This Day Could Have Gone Better

Although she no longer attends school there, my daughter, young Galadriel Tanqueray Onassis, returned to Richmond yesterday for Homecoming festivities with her old friends.



This morning I was greeted with a text message containing an address in Camden and instructions to come and get her when I got up.

I immediately ignored the message and went about my normal Saturday morning binnis. She's not the boss of me.

After a few cups of coffee and some routine google reading and porn surfing, I get showered throw on some grown-up clothes and head east.

I get to Camden, find the street and start looking for the house. Well, guess what? Apparently the rural chuckleheads in Camden don't cotton to no addresses. Not a single number on any of the houses. So I have to call GTO and have her walk outside while I slowly drive down the gravel road looking like a stalker.

We head back to Independence and I decide to stop at Little Richards Family Diner for some breakfast. I like taking GTO there because the food is good, it's cheap, and it annoys the shit out of GTO. That's just how I roll.

We finish breakfast, I pick up the check and toss 4 gold dollar coins down for the tip.



This gets GTO's attention. She's never seen those dollar coins before. She thinks it looks weird...dollars should be made out of paper. I told her I preferred the dollar coins because the remind me of pirate money.



She levels her most withering stink-eye at me and tells me how stupid I am. That always makes me smile with smug satisfaction.

We get in the jeep and it won't start. I turn the key and get nuttin'. I've experienced this before and it was due to excessive corrosion built up on the terminal posts. I pop the hood and sure enough, the fucker is covered in barnacles.

I poke at it, and scrape it. I go inside and get some coke to pour on it. I try starting it again but it's dead as a Kennedy. One of the locals come out and we discuss my predicament. Since I have the good sense to own a vehicle with a manual transmission (a jeep with an automatic transmission is an abomination and I'll have no part of it), we decide the best course of action is for him to give me a push so I can get it started by popping the clutch.

Moments later I'm heading for he nearest O'Reilly's My dashboard gauges are all hinky. All of a sudden my gas gauge is below empty and my voltage is nonexistent. We make it to O'Reilly's where their Space Age diagnostic equipment finds a dead fucking battery. $76.88 (that I really couldn't afford) later I'm in the parking lot with O'Reilly's tool box replacing my battery.

Now, I must say that through all of this GTO was a real trooper. She was a tremendous asset and actually helped quite a bit by slumping down in the passenger seat with her ear buds wedged in as deep as they would go and looking incredibly bored.

The cable on the positive terminal is as stubborn as a sober virgin on Prom Night. It just will not come loose. In fact, trying to lever it off with a screwdriver was coming close to pulling out the entire post.

I know what I need. I need a battery terminal puller. It's a lot like a corkscrew. It has these two little claw arms on each side with a threaded shaft (heh heh) in the middle. You slip the claw arms under each side of the cable clamp, center the threaded shaft on top of the battery post and start screwing. Pops that little fucker right off of there.



I know that this is the tool I need because I have one. At home. In the garage. In my tool box that I used to keep in my jeep but don't anymore.

Fuck me running! Back into O'Reilly's to drop another 6 bucks.

The battery gets changed but the bracket that secures the battery won't fit because this battery is a different size than the other one. AWESOME! I'll be breaking out the Whiskey Tango bungee cords later.

Just for shits and giggles, I have them come back out and run a Level 1 Diagnostic on my warp core, er, um, I mean alternator.

Sure as shit, it's going tits up on me. So the $80.00 I just spent won't do me a lot of good unless I also pull another $132.00 out of my ass for a new alternator plus another $50.00 to have a mechanic give me a wink and tell me I got purdy lips.

But not this day, Men of the West! This day we say fuck it. This day tuck our tail between our legs and break out teh bourbon.

Tomorrow we remember to park pointing downhill, don't use the headlights and keep the tool kit and jumper cables in the jeep where they belong.