So this week we found out that last week, Dick Cheney had yet another cardiac intervention to keep him alive. It was all very hush hush.
Instead of the pacemaker that had been keeping his heart beating in a regular rhythm, he now has a Left Ventricular Assist Device (LVAD).
I'll cut through the medical mumbo jumbo and give you the Cliff Notes bottomline.
Dick Cheney is now a battery powered cyborg who no longer has a pulse because his heart no longer beats! The LVAD is an impeller pump that keeps his blood circulating in a constant flow. A cable (USB?) runs from the LVAD attached to his heart, through an incision in his stomach to an external controller worn like a belly pack, connected to a shoulder holster battery. He will need to carry extra batteries because they are only good for a few hours.
I wonder if the LVAD comes with a car charger? He spends a lot of time travelling between speaking engagements. Maybe he could plug into the cigarette lighter for a charge on the go.
But the creepiest, Vaderist little detail is that at night, Dick Cheney actually needs to be plugged in to a wall socket to stay alive! He might want to invest in a UPS and some diesel generators. Otherwise, he's just a thunderstorm or ice storm away from sudden death! Not that there's anything wrong with that.
Actually, I don't know why they don't just cut to the chase. Power the LVAD with a Radioisotope Thermoelectric Generator RTG like NASA uses on it's deep space probes. They could mount it in a large, external, carapace-like breastplate with lots of flashing LEDs and toggle switches and shit.
Seriously. Never has this much technology been used to keep this much evil alive. This fucker will fester like a pus filled boil on the ass of humanity forever, thanks to modern science.
I'd become Amish in a futile, symbolic protest to this abomination but internet porn is the life blood that sustains me and makes life worth living. It is, My Precious.
So now, if you'll excuse me....
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