HSWG FINDS THE WALDO RAPIST!

HSWG EXCLUSIVE!

Thanks to AWESOME HSWG TIPSTERS, the HipSuburban-Crimesolver/RAMhogger has tracked down the Waldo Rapist!

Using my Google Goggles to scan the composite police sketch of the suspect gleaned from eyewitness testimony from the victims, I have EXCLUSIVELY identified the most likely suspect and DEMAND that he be IMMEDIATELY ARRESTED!

Here is the police sketch I scanned with my AWESOME CRIMESOLVING TOOLS!

Here is the result of my AWESOME CRIMESOLVING SKILLZ!



Fucking Seal!

BASTARD!

Remember, you heard it here first.

Let's nail this fucker!

No Glasses For You!

So, I'm 54 years old, and the list of things I can't see worth a shit is growing beyond my ability to self-medicate via store bought reading glasses.

I've got reading glasses scattered all over my house and my office. I can't read a goddamn thing without glasses.

I doubt that any of them are the same strength and I strongly suspect that I'm causing myself more harm than good.

Everytime I get a text message on my phone, I have to put on my fucking reading glasses.

Anytime I want to send a text, I have to put on my fucking reading glasses.

It's as annoying as fuck.

Since my eyesight is obviously failing like a motherfucker, I make an appointment with an optomitrist. I want some stylish fucking glasses that correct my overall vision problems across the board so I don't have to keep self-medicating with Walmart reading glasses scattered all over the fucking place.

So Dr. Eyeballs does his shit and guess what? I have 20/20 vision! I don't need prescription lenses.

The only thing wrong with my eyes is that I'm 54 fucking years old and I need reading glasses just like every one else my age!

Worst case, I would have looked more like this...



and less like this...



Either way, would have been a win/win.

But now it's back to square one. I have perfect vision.

Fuck my life

.

Journalism Isn't Racism

So there is a serial rapist loose in the Waldo area. At least 5 women have been assaulted. This is the police sketch of the suspect based on descriptions provided by the victims.



A small handfull of vocal, egotistical, self-important, pseudo-journalist wannabes have been crying crocidile tears over the fact that 5 white women being raped by an African-American assailant is getting more news coverage and more public outrage than the murder rate in Kansas City's urban core, even though it's about average for all cities in the U.S. and not that remarkable.

Perhaps these screaming harpies need a remedial course in the definition of what contitutes "news".

In the broadest sense, "news" is simply a report of recent events.

Hundreds of years ago, in small communities, the news could be quite comprehensive. It would include not just crime and politics, but local residents who recieved out of town visitors and which crops local farmers were planting in hopes of a bountiful fall harvest.

But as the world grew larger and more complex, it simply wasn't possible to report everything all the time. Judgements had to be made. Editors had to make choices on which news stories got reported and which ones didn't.

Which stories have the biggest impact on the most people?

Which stories do people need to know about to protect themselves?

Which stories represent a departure from the norm?

The old cliche' rule of thumb was "If a dog bites a man, that's not news because it happens all the time. If a man bites a dog, THAT'S NEWS!"

So when a number of women report having their homes broken into and being raped in a neighborhood where that doesn't normally occur, that's news.

Why? Because it is not a common occurence.

When Waldo residents raise Reward Money and organize self defense classes and bring in safety experts to hold seminars, that's news.

Why? Because it's not a common occurence.

But sadly, when young males in the urban core gun each other down because of gang-violence, drug-deals gone bad, or some percieved "disrespect", it's not news.

Why? Because it's a common occurence.

It's doesn't have a huge impact on a large number of people, it isn't something that most people (who aren't involved in gangs or drugs or thugs) need to know to protect themselves, and tragically, it's not a departure from the norm.

Bloggers (like me) have the luxury of making a big deal about something that very few people care about.

Professional News Organizations that have to hire PROFESSIONAL, college educated and accredited reporters, pay for satellite vans and helicopters and fact checkers (in order to have any sort of credibility) and advertising staff to sell ads that pay for all of that overhead and still find a way to turn a profit don't have the luxury of doing in-depth reporting on common, everyday occurences.

They have to reserve their limited reporting resources and space to those things that people need to know about, but don't.

Everyone knows that if you are a young male involved in criminal activity in the urban core, you have a high probability of getting yourself dead. So that's not newsworthy.

Very few people know that if you are a young female in Waldo with locked doors and windows you can still be raped. When that, in fact, does occur 5 times in a short period of time...that's newsworthy.

That's not racism. It's sound, journalistic and editorial discretion.

I Love My Little Android

No, not Data. Although Brent Spiner is quite a fetching lad.

No, I'm talking about my new 3G smart phone. Now I know all y'all motherfuckers have been playing with your fancy phones for a long time and I'm late to the game. But Jesus H. Christ in a chicken basket! This fucker is amazing!



"My God. It's full of apps!"

It's really unfair to even call this thing a phone since being a phone represents such a small percentage of what it actually does.

The Google Maps Navigation may be my favorite app. Yeah, I know, Garmin and Tom Tom have been doing it for years. But Google and the Android step it up a notch. Incredible voice recognition, integration with my phonebook, layering of satellite and traffic, Google street views as you approach your destination. And the turn by turn voice director has a saucy little British accent that I find very appealing.

I also have a Light Saber.

And a Tricorder.

And a rotary dialer.



But I have a few enhancements I would like to see in the next version of Google Navigator. To wit:

I want to be able to plot a route on my desktop and export it to my phone and have Google Map Navigation import it.

I want to be able to ask my Google Navigator questions. "Where is the closest gas station?"

I want to be able to program in preferences like "Science Museums" or "Full Contact Strip Clubs with $10 Lap Dances" and have the Navigator alert me when I'm near one.

As much as I love my sultry little computerized British wench, I would like to be able to download alternate navigation voices. I'm thinking John Cleese. Ricky Gervais. James Earl Jones.

I want a navigation voice with an attitude!

I like letting my GPS unit pick a route, and then I intentionally take a different route.

I like listening to a soul-less, heart-less, unemotional robotic voice telling me what to do as I completely ignore it and go where I want and do what I want.

It's just like being married again!

But the voice is too passive! I think after 3 "Off Route. Re Routing" attempts the software should say "OK, fuck you asshole, you're on you're own! I hope you get lost, shanked and ass-fucked in the ghetto! You don't deserve modern technology you Amish motherfucker! Take me back to Best Buy!"

The only thing that could make it better (I'm looking at you 4G developers), is if it were implanted in my brain and the data was projected directly onto my retinas like a fucking heads up display (HUD).

Hook me up, bitches! Brain implants, genetic modification, stem cell therapy, instant evrything. It's 2010! Fix my shit! I want it all and I want it now.

Why I Despise The Olympics and Sports In General

Competition.

Winning at all costs.

Hubris.

Narcissism.

Every single Olympic athlete you see over the next 2 weeks, whether they win or lose, has maintained a single-minded focus on winning for YEARS.

Friends, took 2nd place.

Financial responsibility, took 2nd place. In fact, they became a financial black hole for every family member and sponsor they could find.

Education, took 2nd place.

Relationships, took 2nd place.

Family took 2nd place.

Nothing in this entire world was more important to them than winning every single competition and proving to the world that they were better than everyone else at what they do.

That is some pathological fucked-uppedness right there.

There is nothing to be admired about someone who is totally absorbed in themselves and their own pursuits to the exclusion of everything else.

These aren't role models.

They are text book examples of how NOT to be a caring, well rounded, productive member of society.

Perhaps you sports fans can enlighten me.

Out of all the Olympic medalists in history, how many have cured a disease, sheltered a homeless person, fed the hungry, made a scientific breakthrough that changed the world for the better?

If we took all of the money in the world that is WASTED on sports and poured it into basic scientific research in life sciences and physics, we would have all of the energy we could ever use, everyone could live forever and no one would have to go without the basic necessities of life.

The only bigger waste of time, energy, emotions, finances and resources in the world is organized religion.

But don't get me started on that!

Yeah, Why Should You Have To Pay Anything?

(photo "borrowed" from The Pitch - I promise to give it back when I'm done)

I don't usually write about local politics. I used to play in that sandbox from time to time, but then a small herd of feral alleycats started treating it like their own personal literbox and now the stench of stupid from their foul and fetid droppings is strong enough to knock a buzzard off a gut-wagon at 100 paces.




So I tend to stay away. But I think I can toss this in from a safe distance and run away before being tainted.

Although I wouldn't say no to a little taint from time to time. Just sayin'.

But I digress.

Let me get to the fucking point.

I'm no sports fan. I could give a flying fuck at a rolling donut whether this town has ANY sports teams at all. Big, dumb, spoiled, violent jocks getting paid millions of dollars to hurt each other and disappoint their paying customers isn't a spectacle I take any pleasure in.

But today, I saw this story about how Kansas City Mayor Mark Funkhouser is no longer willing to pony-up a couple of million dollars a year to help fund the Jackson County Sports Complex, which includes Arrowhead Stadium, home of the Kansas City Chiefs, and Kauffman Stadium, home of the Kansas City Royals.



Fair enough. Kansas City isn't under any contractual obligation to support the sports complex. As I understand, I believe it's always been a "gentleman's agreement" generally understood to benefit everyone.

But if Kansas City isn't going to contribute anything at all to the sports complex, then why the fuck should the Chiefs and Royals be saddled with the name of a city that doesn't want them?

I say the teams change their names to the Jackson County Chiefs and the Jackson County Royals.

Fuck a bunch of Kansas City.

Iran and U.S. Relations 102: Accountability

I hadn't planned on doing another Iran post, but the best friend I've never met and one of my favorite long-time commenters, "I Travel for JOOLS" left a comment that deserved a larger response.

Here is her comment:

"After reading all this, I guess I'd sum it up as saying the reason for Iran's behavior is what America has done to them. Sort of "God damn America", to quote a well known preacher. So, that must be why they hate Israel and threaten to wipe them off the face of the earth. So that's why they are in defiance of the U.N. with uranium enrichment. So that's why the 12th IMAM is returning.

"The 12th Imam: Why Is This Especially Important Now?
While Christians look for Jesus’ 2nd coming, the Jews await the Messiah and Muslims await the 12th Imam. Mr. Ahmadinejad, and his cabinet, say they have a ‘signed contract’ with al Mahdi in which they pledge themselves to his work. What does this work involve? In light of concerns over Iran’s nuclear capabilities, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has reportedly stated Israel should be wiped off the map. He spoke to the United Nations in September ’05. During that speech he claims to have been in an aura of light and felt a change in the atmosphere during which time no one present could blink their eyes. Iran’s PM is also said to have spoken in apocalyptic terms and seems to relish conflict with the West whom he calls the Great Satan. This is while he proclaims he must prepare the world for the coming Mahdi by way of a world totally under Muslim control. He is working hard to bring about the world-wide horrors that must be in place for their al Mahdi to bring peace."

It doesn't matter what we do or say. It is enough we exist."

Let me address the 12th Imam references first. I'm well aware that Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is a fucking nut job who thinks it is his destiny to speed the return of the 12th Imam. Because I blogged about it back in 2006.

I found it every bit as frightening as the neo-conservatives surrounding Bush who believed that it was THEIR destiny to speed the return of Jesus.

It's always scary when people who are capable of believing in a bunch of supernatural, apocalyptic bullshit are allowed to assume a position of power. Because I'm here to tell ya, ain't none of that shit ever gonna happen.

Jesus ain't coming back and neither is the 12th Imam. That's all fairy tales and nursery rhythms.

What is very, very real is that actions have consequences.

Let me ask you a question. Why do you view Iran as an enemy of the United States and why are you so afraid that they will develop nuclear weapons?

Do you view them as our enemy just because they exist? Do you view them as our enemy because you are jealous of them and you want what they have?

Because I know a little bit about you I'm going to take the liberty of saying "No", that's not why you view them as an enemy. You are a rational person. You view them as our enemy because they openly threaten us and our friends!

You're a smart lady. You see where I'm going here. Do you really think that Iran and other nations who oppose us and threaten us do so just because we exist? Because, as Bush used to be fond of saying "They hate us because of our freedom!".

No. It's not that simple.

Iran views us an an enemy because we have behaved as their enemy. We facilitated a coup of their democratically elected Prime Minister, replaced him with a ruthless dictator and helped install a Secret Police organization that tortured and imprisoned Iranian citizens! Figuring out why they don't like us isn't rocket science. It doesn't require invoking Jesus and Imams.

As far as Iran wanting to wipe Israel from the face of the Earth, Israel's neighbors have been vowing to do that since it came into existence. That's not unique to Iran. And I'm not talking about the post Holocaust creation of modern Israel in 1948.

I'm talking about the ORIGINAL Israel. The one that used to be the Land of Canaan. The one populated by the Canaanites.

In the Old Testament Yahweh told the Jewish people that he was giving them the Land of Canaan and they should go in and take it from the Canaanites.

That was their "legal claim". God gave it to us so it's ours. Needless to say this didn't sit well with the Canaanites and their neighbors.

Fast forward to 1948. Replace "Yahweh" with "The United Nations" and Canaan with Palestine.

The names have changed, but the political and emotional dynamics are exactly the same.

Now, forcible land grabs are not unique to Israel. Forcible land grabs are what define the world we live in. Every nation on the planet is either the beneficiary or victim of multiple forcible land grabs. If you are reading this from anywhere within the United States, you are the beneficiary of forcible land grabs.

So it's a legitimate question to ask why this one particular land grab by the Jewish people should be such a long lasting source of hostility.

Blame religion.

In His Infinite, Infallible Wisdom, the God of Abram convinced him that there was only One True God. Abram accepted this God and became Abraham.

Abraham had 2 sons, Isaac and Ishmael.

Yahweh ordered Abraham to sacrifice his son to prove his devotion to Him.

According to scripture, Abraham acted in good faith, took his son to the mountain, tied him up and was ready to kill him when Yahweh produced a magical lamb, told Abraham he had proved himself, he could sacrifice the lamb instead of his son and that Abraham and Yahweh would be eternal pals. Yahweh would bless Abraham's descendants and make them a Great Nation.

Jews and Christians claim descent from Isaac through his son Jacob (also known as Israel).

Muslims claim descent from Ishmael.

Jews and Christians say it was Isaac who was bound on the rock and about to be sacrificed.

Muslims claim it was Ishmael whom God spared.

Thus began the most violent and epic real estate battle known to man.

My contention has always been that if The Land of Canaan is the birthplace of Judaism, Christianity and Islam, the true birthplace of humanity's 3 greatest monotheistic religions, and if that One True God is real, shouldn't this be the most blissful, peaceful and awe inspiring place on the planet? If God is All Powerful, shouldn't His/Her Holy Land be a place where all hatred is rendered powerless and every Pilgrim feels at peace?

How does an All Powerful God allow the Holiest Place on the planet to be up for grabs to whoever has the least holiest intentions?

Sounds like a bunch of bullshit to me.

So, back to the Iranian situation.

Iran wants to wipe Israel from the face of the Earth because as Muslims (descendants of Ishmael), they think God gave Canaan to them and view the modern Jewish state as thieves and usurpers.

The Jews (descendants of Isaac), they think God gave Canaan to them and they were able to use the post-Holocaust environment to rally world support to give it to them as a permanent homeland to prevent another Holocaust.

Christians, especially American fundamentalist Christians, back the Jewish claim because Christians are basically a Jewish sect twice removed. They have an entire eschatology based on the fate of Israel.

So the God of Abraham is responsible for this mess. He promised the same thing to three different groups and watched them all fight over the spoils in His name.

I suspect that "Yahweh/Jesus/Allah" may in fact be a Trickster.

Like Loki.

"In Norse mythology, Loki is known as a trickster. He is described in the Prose Edda as a "contriver of fraud". Although he doesn’t appear often in the Eddas, he is generally described as a member of the family of Odin. Despite his divine or demi-god status, there's little evidence to show that Loki had a following of worshippers of his own; in other words, his job was mostly to make trouble for other gods, men, and the rest of the world."

I don't know of any other explanation of The God of Abraham that makes any sense. If he exists at all (which I deny), he must be a Trickster.

Actions have consequences.

Every actor is accountable for their actions.