Beer Can Chicken

I've only made this once before when I followed a recipe by the book. This time I had some fun with it.

INGREDIENTS

A whole fucking chicken
A Beer Chicken Rack
Some Thyme and some Basil
Olive Oil. Extra Virgin or Trailer Trash Slutty. Your call.
McCormick Peppercorn Medley Grinder
McCormick Sea Salt Grinder
McCormick Grill Mates Chicken Rub
Old Bay Seasoning
Sweet Yellow Onion
Some beer and a can. Or a can of beer.

Take the chicken out of whatever packaging it's in and pull out the giblets. Throw that shit away. Some folks will try to tell you to keep it for soup stock, or fried gizzards or some such shit. Fuck that. I don't eat guts. Throw that shit away. Or feed it to your dog or cat.

Next, wash the chicken inside and out. Wash it good! When you're done washing it, set it on a platter lined with paper towels. Take some more paper towels and pat it dry.

Mix the thyme and basil together and rub that all around the inside of the chicken.

Take some olive oil and pour it into the palm of your hand. Rub your hands together and then work the olive oil into the skin of the bird. Massage that chicken like it's your new girlfriend.

Then take the Peppercorn, Sea Salt, Chicken Rub and Old Bay and season the chicken to your taste.

Cut the Sweet Yellow Onion into wedges and shove a couple of them up the chickens ass. Not too many or the chicken won't sit sit in the can rack right.


These racks are maybe 5 bucks and you can get them just about anywhere. They make this so much easier.

I don't drink canned beer because I'm not a fucking animal. I'm a human being. All I had on hand was some Boulevard Single Wide IPA. So I used a funnel to decant a bottle of the IPA into an empty Diet Coke can.

I put the Coke can full of beer into the rack and mounted the chicken. When I was done mounting the chicken, I put it onto the rack over the can of beer.



Beer Can Chicken is typically cooked on a charcoal or gas grill, but I made mine in the oven. Set the oven to 375 and cook for about 90 minutes.

It comes out looking something like this.



Add some boiled spuds, some biscuits and gravy and you've got a right proper Ray County feast on your table.



Bone Abba Teat!

The First Thanksgiving...

...didn't look like this.


Not even close.

But let's take a step back and look at America's true Founding Father. A Pequot Mohigan member of the Wampanoag Confederacy named Tisquantum, but more commonly known as Squanto.



In 1600 the Wampanoag lived in southeastern Massachusetts and Rhode Island, as well as within a territory that encompassed current day Martha's Vineyard and Nantucket. Their population numbered about 12,000.



From his Wikipedia biography:

"On his way back to the Patuxet in 1614 Tisquantum was kidnapped by Englishman Thomas Hunt. Hunt was one of John Smith's lieutenants. Hunt was planning to sell fish, corn and captured natives in Málaga, Spain. There Hunt attempted to sell Tisquantum and a number of other Native Americans into slavery in Spain for £20 apiece.

Some local friars discovered what Hunt was attempting and took the remaining Native Americans — Tisquantum included — in order to instruct them in the Christian faith.

Tisquantum convinced the friars to let him try to return home. He managed to get to London, where he lived with and worked for a few years with John Slany, a shipbuilder who apparently taught Tisquantum more English. Slany took Tisquantum with him when he sailed to Cuper's Cove, Newfoundland.

To get to New England, Tisquantum tried to take part in an expedition to that part of the North American east coast. When that plan fell through, he returned to New England in 1618.

At last in 1619 Tisquantum returned to his homeland, having joined an exploratory expedition along the New England coast. He soon discovered that the Patuxet, as well as a majority of coastal New England tribes (mostly Wampanoag and Massachusett), had been decimated the year before by an epidemic plague, possibly smallpox; it has recently been postulated as being due to leptospirosis. Native Americans had no natural immunity to European infectious diseases.

Tisquantum finally settled with Pilgrims at the site of his former village, which the English named Plymouth. He helped them recover from an extremely hard first winter by teaching them techniques to increase food production by fertilizing crops. He also showed them the best places to catch fish and eels. He was critical to their survival."

Of the 102 Mayflower passengers who landed at Plymouth in November of 1620, only 52 were left alive when Tisquantum settled with them in the fall of 1621.

There was indeed a feast that year where the famished, malnourished Pilgrims shared what meager food they had available and the Native Americans who, led by Tisquantum, added to the feast by hunting deer and returning to their villages to bring additional food to help feed the starving Pilgrims. This went on for 3 days with Tisquantum translating.

Without the generosity of the Native Americans, and Tisquantum in particular, despite his being previously kidnapped and mistreated by the Europeans, the Pilgrims would not have survived another winter.

But this feast was not an annual event and it was not referred to as Thanksgiving.

In fact there are exactly 2 historical references to this event.

This from Elizabeth Armstrong's 2002 Christian Science Monitor story:

"In a letter to a friend, dated December 1621, Edward Winslow wrote: 'Our harvest being gotten in, our Governor sent four men on fowling, that so we might after a more special manner rejoice together, after we had gathered the fruit of our labors; they four in one day killed as much fowl as, with a little help beside, served the Company almost a week, at which time, among other Recreations, we exercised our Arms, many of the Indians coming amongst us, and among the rest their greatest King Massasoit, with some 90 men, whom for three days we entertained and feasted and they went out and killed five Deer, which they brought to the Plantation and bestowed on our Governor, and upon the Captain and others.'

Twenty years later, William Bradford wrote a book that provides a few more hints as to what might have been on that first Thanksgiving table. But his book was stolen by British looters during the Revolutionary War and therefore didn't have much influence on how Thanksgiving was celebrated until it turned up many years later."

The idea of "Thanksgiving" as a recurring national observance has nothing to do with what I've just described.

The first "Thanksgiving" commemorated the Pequot Massacre a mere 15 years later.

From The WEYANOKE Association:

""In 1636 ninety armed settlers went to raid Block Island, off the coast, because a white man had been found killed on his boat nearby Whet the armed party landed, they found that the Indians of Block Island had gone into hiding; they burned the villages and crops and returned to the mainland, where for good measure they burned down some Pequot villages. The English went after these Pequots and told them that they were held responsible for the murder. The Pequots had to hand over 'the remaining murderers' and provide assurances about future behavior. The Pequots 'obstinately' refused (in the words of an English eyewitness) and in the resulting fight several Pequots were killed and wounded, and their belongings destroyed or carried off. Thus started the Pequot War...

"The outcome of such a war was of course never in doubt. It ended with an attack by John Mason and his men on the last Pequot stronghold, their settlement on the Mystic River. 'We must burn them!' Mason is reported as having shouted, running around with a firebrand and lighting the wigwams. 'Such a dreadful terror let the Almighty fall upon their spirits that they would flee from us and run into the very flames. Thus did the Lord judge the heathen, filling the place with dead bodies, ' he reported afterward:

"The surviving Pequots were hunted but could make little haste because of their children, Mason wrote, They were literally-run to ground...tramped into the mud and buried in the swamp. ' The last of them were shipped to the West Indies as slaves...John Winthrop.. .governor once more, ...[offered] ...forty pounds sterling for the scalp of an Indian man, twenty for the scalps of women and children. The name 'Pequot' was officially erased from the map. The Pequot River became the Thames and their town became New London."2"

From The People's Path:

"William Bradford, Governor of Plymouth, wrote: "Those that escaped the fire were slain with the sword; some hewed to pieces, others run through with their rapiers, so that they were quickly dispatched and very few escaped. It was conceived they thus destroyed about 400 at this time. It was a fearful sight to see them thus frying in the fire...horrible was the stink and scent thereof, but the victory seemed a sweet sacrifice, and they gave the prayers thereof to God, who had wrought so wonderfully for them."

The next day, the governor of the Massachusetts Bay Colony declared "A day of thanksgiving" thanking god that they had eliminated over 700 men, women and children. For the next 100 years, every "thanksgiving day" ordained by a Governor or President was to honor that victory, thanking god that the battle had been won."

As one of the leading theologians of his day, Dr. Cotton Mather put it: "It was supposed that no less than 600 Pequot souls were brought down to hell that day."

That massacre was the true origin of the recurring, annual holiday known as Thanksgiving.

It wasn't until the early 1800's that Sarah Josepha Hale, editor of the popular Godey's Lady's Book, stumbled upon Edward Winslow's original passage of the 1621 feast and refused to let the historic day fade from the minds - or tables - of Americans.

About this same time in 1854, William Bradford's history book of Plymouth Plantation resurfaced. The book increased interest in the Pilgrims.

Again, from the Christian Science Monitor:

"In her magazine Hale wrote appealing articles about roasted turkeys, savory stuffing, and pumpkin pies - all the foods that today's holiday meals are likely to contain.

In the process, she created holiday "traditions" that share few similarities with the original feast in 1621.

In 1858, Hale petitioned the president of the United States to declare Thanksgiving a national holiday. She wrote: "Let this day, from this time forth, as long as our Banner of Stars floats on the breeze, be the grand Thanksgiving holiday of our nation, when the noise and tumult of worldliness may be exchanged for the length of the laugh of happy children, the glad greetings of family reunion, and the humble gratitude of the Christian heart."

Abraham Lincoln declared Thanksgiving to be an national, annual holiday in 1863.

These two polar opposite events, the life saving salvation of Illegal European Immigrants in the Plymouth Colony by Tisquantum and the members of the native Wampanoag Confederacy, and the subsequent, horrific massacre of those same Pequots a scant 16 years later, brutally slaughtered by those same ungrateful Illegal European Immigrants, got mashed together, white washed, papered over and turned into a myth where Noble Savages and Humble Christians began an annual tradition of sharing the harvest and giving thanks.

I think it's important to have at least one day a year where everyone can focus on being thankful and grateful for the people in their lives and the simple things like having a place to live and if you're lucky, a job.

But it's also important to know the facts of history and be able to seperate them from the warm and fuzzy American Mythology. The truth is important. And the truth is, we Americans aren't a very nice people. Never have been. Aren't today. The rest of the world sees it all too clearly, while we choose to remain blissfully blind and ignorant.

Happy Thanksgiving.

The Dark Side of Greg Beck's per-fuckin-fect fried chicken

Today, I made my latest batch of Greg Beck's per-fuckin-fect fried chicken for my daughter, young Galadriel Tanqueray Onassis, her friend Kelcie and my own BFF.



I'm not saying it was my best batch ever, but it was pretty much my best batch ever. It was accompanied by a Caeser salad, Greg Beck's fries which are cooked in the same oil as the chicken, a couple of egg-brushed rustic french loaves spread with real butter, and polished off by a Tippins Caramel Apple Pie topped off with Vanilla Bean ice cream.

It was EPIC! The spontaneous reviews were "Toolicious!" and "Stupid good!". I'm taking some leftover chicken in to work for a friend who has never had it before and she be delighted.

But as I was cleaning up, I noticed something kind of disgusting.

This is what a bottle of virgin Canola oil looks like.



This is what that same Canola oil looks like after being brutally ass fucked by Greg's chicken and fries recipe.



Reuse, for any purpose, is contraindicated. It's given all it has to give. You got to throw that shit out!

So I'm Thinkin'...

I have a movie pitch in mind.

I think Joss Whedon should develop a screenplay based on Larry Niven's Ringworld books.




I see J.J. Abrams directing with Peter Jackson producing.

I want Johnny Depp as Louis Wu.

Your thoughts?

The Barter System

OK, here's the deal.

I have some shit I need done that I have been tolerating and working around for a long time because I'm either too stupid or lazy to tackle them on my own.

I'm willing to trade delicious food, mediocre sex or, in some very rare cases, actual cash in exchange for your services.

You can pick one task or multiple tasks and name your preferred recompense. I just need to get this shit done.

RECOVERING MICROSOFT OFFICE
I had a Dell XPS that had Microsoft Office installed on it. The circuit board got fried but I was able to save the hard drive. What was the C: drive on my Dell XPS is now the external H: drive on my hand-me-down Dell Optiplex. It still has Microsoft Office installed on it but I can’t get it to run.

Need to fix that.

DELL OPTIPLEX BOOT
Whenever I boot my Dell Optiplex I get a BIOS screen that says “Primary drive 1 not found. Strike the F1 key to continue, F2 to run the setup utility”

If I “strike” F1 it finds the primary drive, boots up and everything is fine. Afraid of trying to “fix it” by running the setup utility out of fear that I’ll fuck it up and hitting F1 won’t work anymore.

Need to fix that.

XPS to OPTIPLEX TECH TRANSFER
In addition to the hard drive, I have some leftover RAM and a video card. Need to see if any of those spare parts can be used to optimize the Optiplex. Could use someone who actually knows what they are doing to be my hardware wingman.

Need to fix that.

PS3/STREAMING NETFLIX SURROUND SOUND
According to this (http://www.wired.com/gadgetlab/2010/10/netflix-ps3-streaming-app-adds-hd-surround-sound-ditches-disc/) I should be getting full Surround Sound from my PS3 Streaming Netflix content and Blu-Ray DVDs.. My sound system looks like it’s configured correctly, but I ain’t got no Surround Sound.

Need to fix that.

WIRELESS NETWORK
I have a wireless network setup at home, but things on my desktop upstairs that used to be accessible from my Netbook downstairs are no longer accessible.

Need to fix that.

BLOG CODE BLOAT
My blog code has tons of errors that cause it to take FOREVER to load if you are tying to load it native instead of through Google Reader. I think it’s from years of adding, deleting and changing shit through the blogger.com user interface without knowing html.

I need someone who knows html to get in there, fix those errors and streamline stuff.

Need to fix that.

If any of the above sounds like something you can fix and you are willing to work for what I am offering to pay, drop me a line.

I need to get this shit fixed.

Thank You All

Thank you Great Grandpa Anderson (Civil War)



Thanks Grandpa Pawie (WWI)!



Thanks Great Uncle Roy (WWI)!




Thanks Uncle Bobbie (WWII)!



Thanks Uncle Stanley (WWII)!



Thanks Dad (Merchant Marines, WWII and your broke ass T2 Tanker S.S. Sacketts Harbor)








Thanks Again Dad (Army, Korea)





Thank all of you Military Veterans who served in peace and war and protected my right to be a grumpy, curmudgeonly, semi-socialist provocateur and anti-social asshole exercising my Constitutionally granted right to Free Speech.

You have my eternal gratitude and respect.

My Beanless Chili Recipe

The other night my BFF called and wanted to know how I made my chili.

She had some ground beef, was going to make tacos, but then remembered my awesome chili from a few nights before and thought "Maybe I'll make XO's chili instead!"

She was disappointed to discover that like everything I do, it ain't that simple! I'm a complicated man! This ain't no impromptu dish! This shit takes some planning!

But I'll post my recipe here so you can plan ahead if you want to make some genuine XO Chili.

INGREDIENTS

Land O' Lakes Butter
Vidalia or other sweet yellow onion
McCormick Peppercorn Medley Grinder
McCormick "Grill Mates" Steak Rub
Old Bay Seasoning
2 lbs McGonigles Meatloaf Mix
1 Bag of Ol' Hired Hand's Six Gun Chili Mixin's
1 Can of Rotel "Chili Fixin's" seasoned diced tomatoes and green chilies
1 Can of Rotel "Mexican Lime and Cilantro" diced tomatoes
1 Bottle of beer
1 Beef Bouillon Cube
1 Cup of water
Baker's Chocolate

INSTRUCTIONS

Dice up some sweet yellow onion bits and saute them in some real life, honest to God, fucking Land O'Lakes butter!


Don't you DARE use fucking canola oil, or olive oil, or margarine, or "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter!".

Fuck that! Use real goddamn butter. The stuff with the hawt Native American chick on her knees and wearing buckskins.


Nothing else will do.

For the meat, I use McGonigle's Meatloaf Mix.



Brown that up with the butter and onions. Mix that shit all together and season with the Steak Rub, Peppercorn Grinder and Old Bay.


You can smell it, can't you? Damn right you can!

Now. Pay attention. This next part is important.

DRAIN THE FUCKING MEAT!

Dump that skillet full of goodness into a colander and let all that grease and shit drain off. Press it down with a spatula. Squeeze that excess stuff out of the meat.

Nobody wants to dip through a layer of grease to get to the chili! That's just gross.

Now, I like to cook, but I'm not stupid. I have no desire to reinvent the wheel.

So I use "Ol' Hired Hand's Six Gun Chili Mixin's", but I don't strictly follow their instructions.


Their directions call for mixing the two large packets of seasoning in 1 cup of water.

Fuck that!

I boil a cube of beef bullion in a cup of water and add the spices to that.


Put the drained meat back in the skillet, add the bullion and spices and simmer until it looks and smells good.

Dump the meat into a large pot. Add the Rotel tomatoes...


Add a bottle of beer of your choice. I used a Boulevard Single-Wide I.P.A...



NOTE: This chili contains ABSOLUTELY NO ALCOHOL! The alcohol in the beer gets cooked off and only leaves the flavor of the barley and hops in the chili. This is where you can have fun choosing which beer to add to the mix.


Lastly, take half a block of Baker's chocolate, finely grated, and sprinkle it in the final mix.



Bring everything to a boil, reduce heat, and simmer uncovered, stirring frequently, for 30 minutes.




Serve over a bed of crushed Tostito chips, garnished with shredded cheese, diced green onions and sour cream with a side of corn bread with butter and honey.

Enjoy and embrace the winter!